Babu's back again

Sorry everyone for the long absence (Is anyone listening? Why the echo?). I've been gone for about 2 yrs. What's been happening in that period? Here's the gist:

Aug 15 2007: I retired from civil service after a career that was marked by how remarkably unremarkable it was. Farewell party was a very sedate affair with the Minister drawling out a series of unintelligible monosyllables interspersed by loud burps. It was a very moving speech especially for the poor under secretary who moved from next to the minister to all the way across the hall. Only person who cried was the peon who claims that things would never be the same. "Yes they would, silly fellow", I assured him.

Aug 16 2007: First day of retirement. Retirement is hard work. I have to actually think about how to spend my day. Wifey expects me to make myself useful around the house -- what does that mean? I spent the day trying to work that one out.

Sept 15 2007: 1 month after retirement. Peon from my office called to remind me that I had not cleared out my desk yet. Didn't seem to miss me particularly. Wifey wants me to find a job.

Jan 1 2008: It's a new year. New Year's resolution is to find a job. Not many takers for my mix of skills.

Feb 1 2008: Went for my first interview. Interviewee started laughing when I asked where people had their afternoon nap. Bloody cheek!

Aug 15 2008: One year after retirement. No work yet. I spend the day reading the newspaper, gossiping with the lady next door, and burping loudly and rubbing my belly contentedly after lunch. Does not feel very different from work. I seem to have taken to it like a fish to water but I can't bring myself to blog about being retired.

Jan 1 2009: It's another new year. New Year's resolution is find a job where I am truly appreciated.

Mar 1 2009: Signed up for election duty.

May 21 2009: Counting those votes was hard work but someone had to do it -- thank god it was not me.

June 1 2009: Called my old office. New minister promises to shake up things. What does that mean?

July 31 2009: Found my calling. UK to outsource civil service jobs to India. My condolences to my British brothers but where do I sign up?

Commemorating India's 60th Independence Day

With India's 60th Independence Day looming, I thought I would use some of my valuable time to come with a suitable idea for commemorating India's independence. I decided to peruse the pics from my recent survey trips abroad for inspiration for a statue that symbolizes India's nationhood.

The first statue I considered was the Golden Dolphin at Nagoya Castle, which looks very little like a Dolphin thanks to its lovely scales. I prefer to think of it as a Giant Gold Dragon Fish Thing. But while it probably would taste delicious in a curry, I couldn't think of how to connect it to India. Maybe like India, it is different things to different people and couldn't be classified as easily as Reptile, Mammal or Fish. Nevermind! That was a bit of a stretch even for someone as adept as me at putting a spin on things.

Ha, I know we could use one of the many statues I saw on my trip to Bangkok. Like the one with the gold kinnari (a mythical half bird half woman) that stands guard in the grounds of Wat Phra Kraew (Temple of the Emerald Buddha). There the India connection is more apparent as the kinnari is supposed to have originated from Indian mythology. Kinnaras (the male and consequently less interesting form) and kinnaris were mystical creatures that lived at the base of Mount Meru, the centre of the universe. Which is certainly appropriate considering that India is getting set to take her rightful place at centre of the universe. Okay, I can't even write that with a straight face, let alone try and get you readers to buy it.

I know! Let's Indianise the Victoria Memorial outside the Buckingham palace. We have already established a trend by modifying other institutions named after her like Victoria Terminus (now Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus) and Victoria Jubilee Technical Institute (now Veermata Jijabai Technical Insitute). Why should the Victoria Memorial be an exception! I now present you with Before and After pictures of the erstwhile Victoria Memorial.
Should we let the small matter that the Victoria Memorial is in London stop us? What better way to show that we have shed our colonial hangover than by converting one of Britain's symbols of power into an symbol that so aptly represents India. Yes, the figure perched precariously on top is me in (not yet patinated) bronze and brass but I am but a symbol of Indian bureaucracy.

I am sure you will all agree that this is a suitable Thank You to the British for instituting the Indian bureaucratic machinery that so efficiently serves India well into the 21st century.

Babu's back

To my multitudinous readers, a heartfelt apology for not writing for so long. I did return on June 18th from my survey of England, but the time after that has been spent in hectic political wranglings on my part. With the celebrations for India's 60th year of independence (which unhappily coincides with my 60th birthday and retirement from public service) coming up, I thought that being sent to Japan and Thailand (*wink* *wink*) would be a fitting parting gift to yours truly.

So after much pleading, brown-nosing and other unspeakable ings on my part, Mr. Tourism Secretary acquiesced and its was off to the Far East with me. Without a care for myself, I soon immersed myself in spending the tax payer's rupee judiciously in obtaining a practical insight into how assets that were previously written off as dead could be rejuvenated into giving unexpected returns. I returned a new man, proud of my service to my nation. And before you ask, I don't have any pictures that I want to share.

Babu is on a survey

I am traveling until June 18, on an official survey as part of a 25 person team on behalf of the Tourism Department. Unfortunately, I could not find room in the team to Thailand. Instead I got stuck with the England team. Damn you, Mr. Tourism Secretary.

Anyway, I digress. I'll be back to regular blogging after I get back.

Jai Hind!

Goa left high and dry

Babu No. 1 in the Election Commission, N. Gopalswami, and Babu No. 1 in the Excise Commission, P. S. Reddy, have joined hands to reduce the flow of alcohol in Goa ahead of the Assembly elections. This has prompted the alcohol distributors and retailers in Goa to go on strike, who accused the officials of heavy-handedness.

The reason for these measures by the babus is to ensure that voters are not enticed with alcohol by political parties. This will ensure that the only ways voters can be manipulated are money, intimidation, lies, and caste and creed-based politics, thus resulting in another free and fair elections.

Several Goans were seen crying in street corners when they read the profiles of the candidates. Porvorim local, Roger Rodrigues when asked to explain, said with his characteristic nasal twang, "Normally, we would simply drown our sorrows, men". [In the pic on the left, I am demonstrating how drowning your sorrows can sometimes get your safari suit very wet].

Babus should decide CEO compensation

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh called on Indian Industry to resist paying large salaries to CEOs and cautioned that not doing this could lead to social unrest. This was met with expect resistence from the industry. Sunil Mittal argued that legislation in capping corporate salaries was not appropriate, and that a shortage of skills was leading to the inflated pay checks.

If you ask me (and I know you will), this is a specious argument. Look at the amount of talent in Indian government services. The efficiency of Indian babudom proves that having a salary cap works. I see no reason why it wouldn't work in the private sector too.

Others argue that these salaries are justified and that the wealth of investors in these companies have increased at a greater rate than the increase in salaries. This too is disingenuous as shown in this article that points out how salaries of some CEOs have increased even as their companies' profits decreased. This shows that the separation between performance and compensation is not unique to babudom. Montek Singh Ahluwalia explained that the Prime Minister was not arguing for new legislation but was merely appealing to Indian industry's conscience, the existence of which is almost as certain as the efficiency of Indian bureaucracy and the integrity of our politicians.

Sucheta Dalal eloquently argues: "Nobody wants to go back to the bad old days when some bureaucrat in Delhi decided what managing directors would earn ...". Bad old days? No, no, those were the good days. Please write to the PMO and appeal for a return to the glory days. Also please forward this appeal to at least 5 of your friends in the next five minutes. Failure to do so will result in your tax returns being scrutinized with a fine comb, or your passport application mysteriously disappearing, or some other such "bad luck"... you know the drill.

Balls of the Tiger

The Chinese are all set to lift the ban on the trade of tiger products. Chinese babus have commissioned the same agency that came up with the "Living in a Storm Drain" jingle to come up with a new ad campaign to boost the Chinese Traditional Medicine industry. The following is to be sung to the tune of "Eye of the tiger" from Rocky.

It's the balls of the tiger that have won me the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of my rivals
And to all the women I'm now the king of the night
And it's all thanks to the balls of the tiger

Here's a full list of useful tiger body parts. So the next time you see a lazy babu, make sure to rub his body with a mixture of tiger's heart and oil. But make sure you don't rub him the wrong way.

Why should we care about tigers?

The first results of the unofficial tiger census are out and the new numbers show that tiger population levels are much lower than what was previously estimated. This is partly due to poaching but also because the previously used pugmark census method is thought to be inaccurate. [Totally untrue. The picture on the left shows me when I made one of my many sightings of herds of tigers during an OFFICIAL tiger census in 2002.]

My question is, why do they adopt these new fangled approaches when the old approach did such a great job of inflating and conflating the tiger numbers, thus keeping everyone happy. The forest officials were happy since the existence of tigers in a tiger reserve is argued to be important for their job security, so were the poachers who could kill tigers with impunity, the Chinese Traditional Medicince practitioners who could use tiger's genitals in potent aphrodisiacs (not making that up) with a guilt free conscience, and you and me who could rejoice that our national symbol was safe.

Ok, everyone was happy except the tigers who could then be denied extra protection on the basis that they are not really endangered. But should we care what the tigers think? It's not like they think of us much before wolfing us down. In fact, I'm sure the only thought on a tiger's mind when they see my considerable midriff is what a tasty morsel it would make.

Wildlife conservationists come up with a lot of reasons for why we should protect wildlife. One reason is that is often cited is that our planet is a complex ecosystem of which we are all a part. If that balance is disturbed, by say killing every single tiger, then it could come back to bite us in the ass (not the tiger which as you would no doubt have noticed, would be dead). Humbug! We have been systematically cutting trees, polluting air and water, and reclaiming land for centuries and my ass looks as rotund and un-bitten as ever.

Another reason cited is economic. That countries could stand to make a lot of money through eco-tourism. Has anyone cared to ask the tigers whether they want to see tons of Indian tourists descending in hordes hoping to catch Mr. and Mrs. Tiger do it like they do on the Discovery Channel?

But the reason that that is cited most often is an ethical one. This is framed in a number of ways. Being an expert on ethical matters, I will answer all those questions.

Q. Shouldn't we leave this planet in a better state than we found it for our children?
A. No! what have those selfish little cretins done for us lately? And besides who is to say that having more tigers is a better state?

Q. What and who gives us the right to destroy other species?
A. Let me ask a question in return. What and who gave George Bush the right to invade Iraq? But yet, to prevent Saddam from killing, torturing and maiming thousands of people, George Bush chose to step in to prevent such wanton and senseless bloodshed by the sacrificing the lives of thousands of American soldiers and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis. While other equivocated about rights, George Bush just did what he thought was right. I'm not trying to convince you that we have the right to destroy tigers, but we certainly have the right to look the other way, just as most of the world is doing with Iraq or Tibet.

Q. Don't we as the most rational species on Earth have the responsibility to protect other lesser species?
A. Yes but not at a detriment to ourselves. India's total land area is roughly 3 million sq km. A male tiger requires between 60-100 sq km, which he will not deign to share with other male tigers (such selfishness). That's a maximum of about 37500 male tigers. Now when you compare that to India's 500 million plus males living in relative harmony [with 16 people sharing 28 sq. metres in Mumbai slums], I ask you who is a more worthy occupant from a rational space utilization perspective.

Living in a storm drain

In a previous post, I mentioned that officials in BMC had taken a liking to the storm drain housing idea. Slum Rehabilitation Authority (SRA) has decided to go ahead with this idea and as part of a new marketing campaign has come up with a new song (inspired by John Denver's Leaving on a Jet Plane). Here it is in full. Don't forget to thank your friendly neighbourhood babu because you saw it here first.

Gunny bags are packed
We're ready to go
We used to live right by your door
We take our daily dump as you drive by
But Mumbai is burstin
No space to crawl
The drains are waitin
They've cleared them all
All ready with restrooms
Just no sky

Don't miss us or cry for us
Tell us you won't be too jealous
That we'll ne'er have to wait to let go
Cause we're living in a storm drain
Don't know if we'll be dry again
But man, we love the flow

There'll be some times when you flush the pot
Sometimes when it will rain a lot
But I tell you man, they're few and far between
Every room at home will be filled with poo
Every corridor will stink of you
But I won't come back, soon I'll love the scene

Don't miss us or cry for us
Tell us you won't be too jealous
That we'll ne'er have to wait to let go
Cause we're living in a storm drain
Don't know if we'll be dry again
But man, we love the flow

Now the time has come to leave you
We can promise
We won't miss you
When the prices rise
You'll be on your way
Dream about the days to come
When you decide to move on down
About times, we won't have to say

Don't miss us or cry for us
Tell us you won't be too jealous
That we'll ne'er have to wait to let go
Cause we're living in a storm drain
Don't know if we'll be dry again
But man, we love the flow

Yes, we're living in a storm drain
Don't know if we'll be dry again
But man, we love the flow

Readers who think this housing idea has no merit are obviously not acquainted with other successful SRA projects incorrectly described in this article as "a decaying Stalinist-styled pile, covered with Rorschach-like mildew stains" and having "dank hallways" with "36 rooms of gloom". You be the judge.

The rain in Mumbai goes mainly down the drain

The Chief Minister of Maharashtra, Mr. Vilasrao Deshmukh, has asked officials from various bodies like BMC, police, Defense, railways, BEST to prepare Standard Operating Procedures (SOPs) for handling emergencies that are likely to occur during the upcoming 2007 Mumbai floods. But, with the monsoons just a fortnight away, Mumbaikars are wondering if this is too little too late. In other words, are these SOPs merely sops that will leave them sopping?

BMC (Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation) is meanwhile fighting against the clock to get the city rivers and creeks desilted before the monsoons. They seem very optimistic of getting the job done before May 30th. Their optimism no doubt stems from their past experience at getting civic projects completed on schedule.

Their job was made a little easier by the fortuitous discovery of an Angrez ke zamaane ka storm water drain on Tulsi Pipe Road. During the slum demolition drive, BMC officials discovered a set of unused manholes which in turn led to finding a 100 year old storm drain built by the British.

This further proved that India clearly lags behind the USA, where a furnished 2BHK flat was found in a storm drain with TV, DVD and VCR. A team of Mumbai babus is set to tour San Diego to study this alternate housing solution for Mumbai's housing problems. A source in the BMC revealed that this is a very practical solution and is likely to be a problem only 3-4 months in a year.