I am traveling until June 18, on an official survey as part of a 25 person team on behalf of the Tourism Department. Unfortunately, I could not find room in the team to Thailand. Instead I got stuck with the England team. Damn you, Mr. Tourism Secretary.
Anyway, I digress. I'll be back to regular blogging after I get back.
Jai Hind!
Babu No. 1 in the Election Commission, N. Gopalswami, and Babu No. 1 in the Excise Commission, P. S. Reddy, have joined hands to reduce the flow of alcohol in Goa ahead of the Assembly elections. This has prompted the alcohol distributors and retailers in Goa to go on strike, who accused the officials of heavy-handedness.
The reason for these measures by the babus is to ensure that voters are not enticed with alcohol by political parties. This will ensure that the only ways voters can be manipulated are money, intimidation, lies, and caste and creed-based politics, thus resulting in another free and fair elections.
Several Goans were seen crying in street corners when they read the profiles of the candidates. Porvorim local, Roger Rodrigues when asked to explain, said with his characteristic nasal twang, "Normally, we would simply drown our sorrows, men". [In the pic on the left, I am demonstrating how drowning your sorrows can sometimes get your safari suit very wet].
Prime Minister Manmohan Singh called on Indian Industry to resist paying large salaries to CEOs and cautioned that not doing this could lead to social unrest. This was met with expect resistence from the industry. Sunil Mittal argued that legislation in capping corporate salaries was not appropriate, and that a shortage of skills was leading to the inflated pay checks.
If you ask me (and I know you will), this is a specious argument. Look at the amount of talent in Indian government services. The efficiency of Indian babudom proves that having a salary cap works. I see no reason why it wouldn't work in the private sector too.
Others argue that these salaries are justified and that the wealth of investors in these companies have increased at a greater rate than the increase in salaries. This too is disingenuous as shown in this article that points out how salaries of some CEOs have increased even as their companies' profits decreased. This shows that the separation between performance and compensation is not unique to babudom. Montek Singh Ahluwalia explained that the Prime Minister was not arguing for new legislation but was merely appealing to Indian industry's conscience, the existence of which is almost as certain as the efficiency of Indian bureaucracy and the integrity of our politicians.
Sucheta Dalal eloquently argues: "Nobody wants to go back to the bad old days when some bureaucrat in Delhi decided what managing directors would earn ...". Bad old days? No, no, those were the good days. Please write to the PMO and appeal for a return to the glory days. Also please forward this appeal to at least 5 of your friends in the next five minutes. Failure to do so will result in your tax returns being scrutinized with a fine comb, or your passport application mysteriously disappearing, or some other such "bad luck"... you know the drill.
The Chinese are all set to lift the ban on the trade of tiger products. Chinese babus have commissioned the same agency that came up with the "Living in a Storm Drain" jingle to come up with a new ad campaign to boost the Chinese Traditional Medicine industry. The following is to be sung to the tune of "Eye of the tiger" from Rocky.
It's the balls of the tiger that have won me the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of my rivals
And to all the women I'm now the king of the night
And it's all thanks to the balls of the tiger
The first results of the unofficial tiger census are out and the new numbers show that tiger population levels are much lower than what was previously estimated. This is partly due to poaching but also because the previously used pugmark census method is thought to be inaccurate. [Totally untrue. The picture on the left shows me when I made one of my many sightings of herds of tigers during an OFFICIAL tiger census in 2002.]
My question is, why do they adopt these new fangled approaches when the old approach did such a great job of inflating and conflating the tiger numbers, thus keeping everyone happy. The forest officials were happy since the existence of tigers in a tiger reserve is argued to be important for their job security, so were the poachers who could kill tigers with impunity, the Chinese Traditional Medicince practitioners who could use tiger's genitals in potent aphrodisiacs (not making that up) with a guilt free conscience, and you and me who could rejoice that our national symbol was safe.
Ok, everyone was happy except the tigers who could then be denied extra protection on the basis that they are not really endangered. But should we care what the tigers think? It's not like they think of us much before wolfing us down. In fact, I'm sure the only thought on a tiger's mind when they see my considerable midriff is what a tasty morsel it would make.
Wildlife conservationists come up with a lot of reasons for why we should protect wildlife. One reason is that is often cited is that our planet is a complex ecosystem of which we are all a part. If that balance is disturbed, by say killing every single tiger, then it could come back to bite us in the ass (not the tiger which as you would no doubt have noticed, would be dead). Humbug! We have been systematically cutting trees, polluting air and water, and reclaiming land for centuries and my ass looks as rotund and un-bitten as ever.
Another reason cited is economic. That countries could stand to make a lot of money through eco-tourism. Has anyone cared to ask the tigers whether they want to see tons of Indian tourists descending in hordes hoping to catch Mr. and Mrs. Tiger do it like they do on the Discovery Channel?
But the reason that that is cited most often is an ethical one. This is framed in a number of ways. Being an expert on ethical matters, I will answer all those questions.
Q. Shouldn't we leave this planet in a better state than we found it for our children?
A. No! what have those selfish little cretins done for us lately? And besides who is to say that having more tigers is a better state?
Q. What and who gives us the right to destroy other species?
A. Let me ask a question in return. What and who gave George Bush the right to invade Iraq? But yet, to prevent Saddam from killing, torturing and maiming thousands of people, George Bush chose to step in to prevent such wanton and senseless bloodshed by the sacrificing the lives of thousands of American soldiers and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis. While other equivocated about rights, George Bush just did what he thought was right. I'm not trying to convince you that we have the right to destroy tigers, but we certainly have the right to look the other way, just as most of the world is doing with Iraq or Tibet.
Q. Don't we as the most rational species on Earth have the responsibility to protect other lesser species?
A. Yes but not at a detriment to ourselves. India's total land area is roughly 3 million sq km. A male tiger requires between 60-100 sq km, which he will not deign to share with other male tigers (such selfishness). That's a maximum of about 37500 male tigers. Now when you compare that to India's 500 million plus males living in relative harmony [with 16 people sharing 28 sq. metres in Mumbai slums], I ask you who is a more worthy occupant from a rational space utilization perspective.
In a previous post, I mentioned that officials in BMC had taken a liking to the storm drain housing idea. Slum Rehabilitation Authority (SRA) has decided to go ahead with this idea and as part of a new marketing campaign has come up with a new song (inspired by John Denver's Leaving on a Jet Plane). Here it is in full. Don't forget to thank your friendly neighbourhood babu because you saw it here first.
Gunny bags are packed
We're ready to go
We used to live right by your door
We take our daily dump as you drive by
But Mumbai is burstin
No space to crawl
The drains are waitin
They've cleared them all
All ready with restrooms
Just no sky
Don't miss us or cry for us
Tell us you won't be too jealous
That we'll ne'er have to wait to let go
Cause we're living in a storm drain
Don't know if we'll be dry again
But man, we love the flow
There'll be some times when you flush the pot
Sometimes when it will rain a lot
But I tell you man, they're few and far between
Every room at home will be filled with poo
Every corridor will stink of you
But I won't come back, soon I'll love the scene
Don't miss us or cry for us
Tell us you won't be too jealous
That we'll ne'er have to wait to let go
Cause we're living in a storm drain
Don't know if we'll be dry again
But man, we love the flow
Now the time has come to leave you
We can promise
We won't miss you
When the prices rise
You'll be on your way
Dream about the days to come
When you decide to move on down
About times, we won't have to say
Don't miss us or cry for us
Tell us you won't be too jealous
That we'll ne'er have to wait to let go
Cause we're living in a storm drain
Don't know if we'll be dry again
But man, we love the flow
Yes, we're living in a storm drain
Don't know if we'll be dry again
But man, we love the flow
Readers who think this housing idea has no merit are obviously not acquainted with other successful SRA projects incorrectly described in this article as "a decaying Stalinist-styled pile, covered with Rorschach-like mildew stains" and having "dank hallways" with "36 rooms of gloom". You be the judge.
The Chief Minister of Maharashtra, Mr. Vilasrao Deshmukh, has asked officials from various bodies like BMC, police, Defense, railways, BEST to prepare Standard Operating Procedures (SOPs) for handling emergencies that are likely to occur during the upcoming 2007 Mumbai floods. But, with the monsoons just a fortnight away, Mumbaikars are wondering if this is too little too late. In other words, are these SOPs merely sops that will leave them sopping?
BMC (Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation) is meanwhile fighting against the clock to get the city rivers and creeks desilted before the monsoons. They seem very optimistic of getting the job done before May 30th. Their optimism no doubt stems from their past experience at getting civic projects completed on schedule.
Their job was made a little easier by the fortuitous discovery of an Angrez ke zamaane ka storm water drain on Tulsi Pipe Road. During the slum demolition drive, BMC officials discovered a set of unused manholes which in turn led to finding a 100 year old storm drain built by the British.
This further proved that India clearly lags behind the USA, where a furnished 2BHK flat was found in a storm drain with TV, DVD and VCR. A team of Mumbai babus is set to tour San Diego to study this alternate housing solution for Mumbai's housing problems. A source in the BMC revealed that this is a very practical solution and is likely to be a problem only 3-4 months in a year.
Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night
What mortal hand or eye
Could land thee in the cemetry?
It seems that ours is not the only babu nation. Our neighbours, Pakistan, seem to be vying for the top spot and might just have beaten us to the czechered flag. Cheque out Amit Varma's blog where he points out how no one czeched when some Pakistani babu put up a Cheque flag instead of a Check one.
Immensely typical of a subcontinental government. I can quite imagine a mid-level mandarin telling his flunky, “Check jhanda laga do yaar.” And the flunky nods, pleased at being given a task that is so easy to carry out.
If you want my opinion, no one should. But, obviously my opinion does not count for much or else there would not be reviews on the performance of the Central Information Commission and the Right to Information (RTI) Act. This nation has been built on the strong foundations of opaque processes and ad hoc, whimsical decisions, and tied together with plenty of red tape. Who do these RTI activists think they are to try and change the way things have always worked?
While I admit to have prematurely announced the death of babudom, I was happy to find out that the RTI was nowhere as effective as I feared it would be. My fellow babus had devised several effective ways of countering the RTI Act like rejecting applications on false pretexts, proving incomplete or incorrect responses, delaying responses, or in some cases demanding proof of citizenship before an RTI application can be made.
One and a half years after the Act came into effective, several organizations and newspapers have begun reviewing the performance of the RTI to ensure that it is not merely an eyewash. PRIA has done a detailed performance review of the RTI Act and has pointed out several problems like delays in approving the constitutions of the state information commissions, high cost of application process in some states [Himachal Pradesh charges Rs. 10 per page for photocopying, when shops in Mumbai charge twenty times less] and very few penalties being actually imposed for delays in responding to applications for information. They also point out more serious problems like Public Information Officers (PIO) in government agencies threatening applicants to withdraw applications, refusing applications under false pretexts and being absent from their offices.
The Financial Express has pointed to several problems like delays in the appeal process and insufficient number of Information Commissioners with the Central Information Commission. However, the most serious problem being the perception among PIOs that the RTI need not be taken seriously since the CIC is reluctant to impose pentalties on PIOs for not doing their job ["there have been a total of only 27 cases on which penalties have been imposed, out of the thousands that have come to the commission since October 2005"].
Several newspapers have also pointed out the ineffacies of the RTI in various states, while arguing that the RTI be given more teeth. Meanwhile others in the government are looking to see how to quickly extract a few key canines. The government's earlier attempts at curbing the RTI were stymied [they had tried to amend the RTI by making file notings and the UPSC exams exempt from the RTI]. They are now trying to exempt certain organization from the RTI Act. Activists like Anna Hazare has threatened an agitation if the RTI Act is amended.
Meanwhile, netas, babus, builders and industrialists will be spending a lot of sleepless nights in the coming fortnight as activists have launched a large-scale enquiry into the creation of several Special Economic Zones (SEZs). That this will unearth some dirty secrets is definite, what is not known is whether any heads will roll. I will be sure to write about how my dear babu friends can save their necks. You know who I will be rooting for.
Clearly our parliamentarians do not believe in Shakespeare's credo or else they would not have spent yesterday debating over whether "First War of Indian Independence" is a misnomer. Debates ensued during the celebrations to mark the 150th anniversary of the 1857 War (/Uprising/Revolt/Mutiny/Rebellion), over whether it it was correct to call it the first, given that it was preceded by the Anglo-Sikh War of 1845.
Sikh MPs from Haryana and Punjab have taken strong exception to this slight, whether intended or not. Meanwhile a few other strong contenders for the title of First War of Indian Independence have emerged like Veerapandiya Kattabomman and Tipu Sultan's wars against the British.
With our parliamentarians busy discussing such lofty issues, it falls upon us humble babus to truly run our nation ragged.
I know this makes my previous post sound eerily prophetic. In the interest of full disclosure, I should point out that I thought the debates would be about whether it should be called a war or whether it should be considered "Indian". My naivete at underestimating the creativity of our parliamentarians stands exposed.
(Image Source: Asian Age)
No, I am not referring to the endless arguments about whether this should be called a revolt, mutiny, rebellion, uprising or war. Nor am I talking about whether it should be called "Indian" at all considering that there was no united India in 1857 and that most of what is India today stayed out of it or violently opposed it. [Such debates are best addressed by any appropriately appointed parliamentary sub-committee paid for by the tax payer's money].
I refer to the controversy over the celebrations of the 150th anniversary of the First (War/Uprising/Rebellion/Mutiny/Revolt) of (Indian/part of India's/part of the British Raj's) Independence. The National Implementation Committee (NIC) has agreed to the proposal of the Youth Affairs Ministry to organize the day long event at the Red Fort along with the Asian Heritage Foundation despite a conflict of interest. HRD Minister, Arjun Singh pointed out that Rajeev Sethi, who is part of the NIC is closely associated the Foundation. Nothing was done about this because it was too late to find an alternative.
There were also concerns that the costs were too high. After some bickering NIC set the budget at Rs 26.35 crores (about 27 million USD in PPP terms) out of which 37 lakhs (about 380,000 USD in PPP terms) was the cap on the administrative costs. Does that sound a trifle high for a day long event? And are you at all wondering at what the administrative costs entailed are?
While some in India are spending today at work scarcely giving a second thought to the sacrifices of the martyrs of 1857 (and the babus involved in organizing the celebrations), India's parliament is truly enjoying their independence. Our beloved leaders will not be concerning themselves with running the country today, but will be instead be busy in various celebrations with even the cabinet not meeting today. I hope you can tell the difference.
This next incident is something that happened to me on Sunday.
As I was peacefully driving my car, humming a tune, and letting my thoughts float back to a better time, I was rudely brought back to the present when an autorickshaw rammed into the back of my car. Rude words were forestalled by the auto driver immediately admitting that it was his fault and that his brakes had failed.
I knew there was no way that the auto driver would have enough money to pay for the damage to my car and realized that the only solution was to file an insurance claim. So I piled said poor apologetic auto driver into my badly damaged but still functioning car and drove to the nearest police station to file a traffic accident report (TAR).
On getting there, the police were very polite while they took down my version of the event in beautiful Marathi long hand. They inspected the car and I was told that I could leave and collect a copy of the report the next day.
I got a call a little later from the police station where a cop informed me that I need to come back in. Apparently, the accident had taken place just outside their jurisdiction, and by filing the report in their station, I had increased their workload by 100%. I apologized but the cop told me that a mere apology would not suffice. I was morally outraged. Was I hearing right? Were they asking me for a bribe? I tell you there is no honour among babus.
A little later, I got another call. This time from the driver's friend. He was complete distraught. The police had arrested the driver and were threatening to impound the rickshaw unless he agreed to pay 1000 rupees. This sum was too large for the auto driver to bear but neither could he afford the loss of 2-3 days earnings if his vehicle was impounded.
I tell you there is still a shred of humanity in this babu's heart. I decided to go to the police station to sort out the mess about the wrong jurisdiction and at the very least to get the hapless auto driver released.
There I was treated to a refresher course in police bureaucracy. With respect to the wrong jurisdiction, I suggested to the police that they could simply ignore my report and I would file it in the correct police station. This was obviously unacceptable to them, which they laughingly made clear. Apparently, they had already done all the hardwork of putting pen to paper and I had interrupted their siestas, increased their workload, and performed other such attrocities.
When I asked about the auto driver, they informed me that they had to show that they had taken action. So either the auto driver had to admit that he was driving recklessly and pay a fine for that (or a bribe to avert the fine), or have his auto impounded until a mechanic from the RTO came to determine if the auto's brakes had really failed. And the mechanic would arrive in 2-3 and guess what he is a babu too.
The auto driver realized that he was truly caught between the devil and the deep sea, and deciding that he preferred a known devil (apologies for mixing my metaphors), he had left to get the 1000 rupees. Ok, so at least the cops did not have him locked up any more.
My conscience lightened, I left for home contemplating how I would get a copy of the TAR from the police babus without paying them a bribe, and how I would then deal with the babus in the insurance company.
First, we try losing files in mountains of paperwork. Then we stall any and all enquiries with tons of red tape. When both fail thanks to computers and the RTI act, we are left with no choice but to come up with more creative and accidental ways of getting rid of evidence.
Like when my friends in the Slum Rehabilitation Authority were saved when a fire in the SRA office in Bandra burnt to a crisp all the files and hard disks prevented the Anti-Corruption Bureau from discovering discrepancies in 8 of the 11 cases of fraud that they are investigating.
What any irate citizens should note is how conveniently the fire was started when no one was in the office. We have a human side too -- see how much we abhor violence and human suffering.
It turns out that us babus have more reasons to cheer. TOI reports that there are more than 3000 complaints and appeals made under the RTI act still pending.
My earlier apprehensions were quite misplaced. When I think about it, it seems bleeding obvious that you can't have babus accustomed to doing nothing in charge of getting other babus to get off their fat asses. "It takes a thief to catch a thief" is all very well in theory but in practice you can be sure that they'll soon be hand-in-glove laughing at you, while they merrily enjoy their unjust rewards.
